International Animal Rescue
Tort writes: Thanks to your fireage finding efforts, another milestone has been reached. We have donated $100.00 to International Animal Rescue.
"Our vision is a world where humans and animals coexist in sustainable ecosystems. Our mission is to build awareness and implement effective systems such that habitats and animals are protected."
Hmm...not so sure about the "humans" bit.
Who have you rescued?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Helping The Elderly And Terminally Ill...And Their Pets
Tort writes: Thanks to your fireage finding efforts, another milestone has been reached. We have donated $100.00 to The Cinnamon Trust – the National Charity for the elderly, terminally ill and their pets.
Cinnamon Trust is the only specialist national charity which seeks to relieve the anxieties, problems, and sometimes injustices, faced by elderly and terminally ill people and their pets, thereby saving a great deal of human sadness and animal suffering.
Who are your constant companions?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Seven Continents For Two Turtles
Tort writes: Joie and I accompanied Mommy and Daddy on their trip to Patagonia and Antarctica.
We saw many cool things and made a few new friends.
Eric made us wear toques.
We have been on all seven continents. Now we can just nap.
What’s on your bucket list?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Flying Over A Sea Of Tuna
Tort writes: P-nut is gone now. He gave and received very much love.
He was Mommy’s sick buddy, Daddy’s work-at-home lap buddy, and everyone’s Little Guy.
And those whiskers? Ridiculous.
Joie and I miss him desperately.
Daddy hopes he is forgiven.
Please raise a glass to the ‘nutter.
Who is your buddy?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Bullshit Corner
Tort writes: Sometimes we like to go to our favorite place in Daddy’s mind, grab a pint, and just sit and ponder.
Where do you do your thinking?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Another Day, Another Downer
Tort writes: Congratulations to all you long-suffering Chelsea football fans.
Your club won the 2012 UEFA Champions League after another season of player mutiny and other Abramovich-inspired drama.
Another rich, obsessive, tyrant d-bag grabs a shiny new toy for his pram.
I haven’t had the best run of “my team” winning much of anything lately.
Not sure why I invest in these sports soap operas.
Maybe it is time to pursue other interests. Such as pancakes. Except Daddy is on a diet. Grr.
Are your grapes sour?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Helping To Save The Galapagos
Tort writes: Thanks to your fireage finding efforts (special props to Ryan for her recent UK campaign), another milestone has been reached.
We have donated $100.00 to the Sea Shepherd – Defending Galapagos project.
Those guys get a little up-in-your-grill, but we gotta lend a flipper to our land-based cousins, including Lonesome George.
What do you like to defend?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Fudge Shrine
Tort writes: Fudge – the sweet, three-legged, grumpy-faced cat – died the other day.
Mommy and Daddy used to live on the same street. Even when they moved, they went out of their way to visit Fudge.
Fudge’s owners were kind enough to put up a notice. The garden gate where Fudge used to sit and hold court has turned into a bit of a shrine.
Mommy and Daddy paid their respects as well. Fudge will be missed by all.
Does your neighborhood have a well-loved cat?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Toasty Snouts
Tort writes: The winters run cold and long here in the UK. Sometimes the sun does not even rise.
We like to take Mommy and Daddy down to the local pub and warm ourselves by the fireplace.
We have to watch out for Lexie pub, though!
What toasts your snout?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Ladurée: French For "Awesome"
Tort writes: Mommy and Daddy brought us back a pistachio macaroon from the Ladurée in Westminster on Saturday.
As one of my friends says, “Is this heaven, or did an angel just give birth in my mouth?”
Next month we are all going to Paris for somebody’s 11th anniversary. Maybe we will go to the original Ladurée. Je pense que oui?
What is your favorite place to visit?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Best Pancakes In The World
Tort writes: We helped Daddy make pancakes. We are very good helpers. We are also very good snackers.
Here is the recipe:
Combine the dry ingredients in a bowl, whisk, set aside:
Combine the wet ingredients in a second bowl, whisk:
Add the wet ingredients to the dry and whisk until just combined.
Fry in a pan with butter.
Top with maple syrup.
What is your favorite snack?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Helping To Save The Albatross
Tort writes: Ever since we saw the Northern Royal Albatrosses at Taiaroa Head in New Zealand when visiting there with Mommy and Daddy, we have been fascinated by these birds.
Even though they are very big and scare us very much (“our whole bodies, Mommy!”), we love them and their awesomeness.
Today we donated $100.00 of our fireage to BirdLife International’s Save the Albatross campaign. We hope it helps.
What charitable gifts have you given lately?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
What's Your Stile?
Tort writes: We went walking with Mommy and Daddy on the Thames Path last weekend. We are very good walking buddies.
Along the way we saw very many stiles. One kind even had a sliding board to let dogs through.
Mommy and Daddy’s favorite way to pass through a fence is not via a stile, though. They like kissing gates.
But it does not matter whether they cross using a stile or a gate. They kiss when they pass through either one.
So, what’s your stile?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Our New Friend: Darby
Tort writes: Yesterday we rode the train with Daddy up to Derby to see the peregrine falcons nesting on the cathedral.
Their four chicks hatched a week or two ago. See them live here.
Along the way, we adopted a new friend. Her name is Darby. (That is how you pronounce Derby, but she is very new and did not know how to spell it quite right.)
Her screeches used to frighten P-Nut, but now he is used to them.
Who is your newest friend?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Thinkin' 'bout Pancakes'
Tort writes: When we were in New Zealand, we let Mommy and Daddy know that we really liked pancakes.
We started singing “Drivin’ down roads, thinkin’ ‘bout pancakes” to the tune of some song in that musical Wicked. Whatever. We just like pancakes.
In Sydney, Australia, we ate at Pancakes on the Rocks. They had something called an Aussie Sunrise which had pancakes, bacon, bananas, and pineapples. Mmm.
Daddy made us pancakes last weekend that were the same as the Aussie Sunrise plus blueberries. We called it the Aussie Blue Sunrise. Mmm.
What’s your favorite snack?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
To Belittle Is To Be Little
Tort writes: We came across a rather confusing fortune cookie at the Chinese restaurant in Brisbane.
The fortune said: To belittle is to be little.
But, hey, wait – we are already little.
We demand another cookie.
Mmm...cookies....
What did your last fortune cookie say?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Koala Us Happy
Tort writes: We are going to accompany Mommy and Daddy on their trip to Australia and New Zealand.
As you can see, we are on top of the suitcase with our hat on so Mommy and Daddy will not forget us.
We hope to see some of our Flatback cousins, but we will probably not because we are not going at the right time. Crikey.
We might see some other cousins, though, because we will go swimming during Mommy and Daddy’s scuba dives.
When was the last time you went Down Under?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Just What The Doctor Ordered
Tort writes: We had to take this picture of ourselves in front of a picture of a TARDIS-like police box because Daddy has not yet taken us to see the real police box in Earl’s Court yet. Grrr.
We bought Mommy the sonic screwdriver for Christmas, but she lets us keep it for her.
We like The Doctor because he inspires hope and tries to do the right thing. He makes those around him better people. Like President Jed Bartlet on the West Wing, we would want to work for him. For free.
Who is your Doctor?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Sweet Sixteen
Tort writes: A three-chambered heartfelt “thanks” to the McKinney Bureau for their 2008 fireage efforts – a pouch-stuffing total of $16.11. This puts the fireage count at well over $100 (see tally).
We still do not know where we are going to donate this batch of fireage, but since the pouch is getting heavy, we plan on deciding something soon.
We are awaiting reports from our Atlanta Bureau (Hello! Ryan!) and our Savannah Bureau (Hey, Unkie! Heard you found a $20 bill in the surf on Jekyll Island?!?).
How did you shell-abrate this season? (KEE! KEE! KEE! I slay me.)
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Look! A Dancing Turtle!
Tort writes: Sometimes when we get hungry, we have to confound the jackies in order to procure some snacks.
In those cases, Joie will go over and bust a move, and I will yell “Look! A dancing turtle!”
When the jackies turn their heads, I scoop up the treats and then motion for Joie to get on out of there.
Snacks attained by the Dancing Turtle method taste the best.
What is your favorite distraction?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Bling It On
Tort writes: Um. Joie has acquired quite a bit of bling lately.
She says it makes her feel pretty. I thought she already was pretty.
But I am learning that it is not about me. It is about her.
How many pieces of flair do you have?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Clear Grid To Win 500 Points
Tort writes: Mommy and Daddy cannot clear the letter grid on the Word Soup game at the pub.
Time and again they get bitch-slapped with “No Words Remaining” — not cool.
We appreciate getting the high score recognition, but it still a NASCAR feeling: winning races but not winning the championship. Or the other way around. We are not sure.
Have you ever cleared the grid?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Update (02 November 2008): OMG MOMMY AND DADDY CLEARED THE GRID!!!
Making People Happy
Tort writes: This girl was just standing on the corner, holding this sign, and handing out hugs. So Daddy went up and got one.
When he asked her why she was doing this, she said, “To make people happy.”
When he told me about it, I was all, like, “WTF?!” I am not quite sure I get it.
But then I was a little sad that I had not gotten my free hug.
Anyway, who have you hugged today?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Joie Is The Bad One
Tort writes: Everybody thinks that I am the bad one. However any time that water is involved, it is always Joie that gets soaked.
They all think that Joie is the sweet one, but, really, she is the bad one. And I kinda like it. Naughty torts need love, too.
Who is your bad girl/boy?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Puppies In Pubs
Tort writes: Pubs are good things. Dogs in pubs are even better. Something is just right when I am sipping a pint of Guinness by the fire at the Duke’s Head pub and Lexie comes in.
Maybe America could take this lesson from the UK.
Just sayin’.
Does your pub have a puppy?
P. S. FIRE THE FIREAGE!!!
Fireage is cash money found in public places and donated to Tort and Joie’s charity fund. Fireage can only be cash money. Fireage can only be money that is truly found, usually in public places. Fireage cannot be money that you “accidentally” dropped and picked up. C’mon. Tort and Joie know what you’re doing. Acceptable sources of Fireage include money found:
Unacceptable sources of Fireage include:
If you have a question about the validity of potential Fireage, ask the Tort or Joie for a ruling. Fireage is not official until the Fireage is fired; that is, put the money in the pouch, people.
Friday is Countin’ Day. Let there be no excuses.
On each Friday, all Fireage is to be removed from the pouch and tallied.
Total Fireage must be calculated as US dollars. Foreign currencies must be converted at the exchange rate as of Countin’ Day.
After the countin’ is done, the Fireage goes back into the pouch.
On 12 December 2019, Tort and Joie donated $100.00 of fireage to the International Animal Rescue.
On 19 December 2015, Tort and Joie donated $100.00 of fireage to the The Cinnamon Trust - The National Charity for the elderly, terminally ill and their pets.
On 25 June 2011, Tort and Joie donated $100.00 of fireage to the Sea Shepherd - Defending Galapagos campaign.
On 12 December 2009, Tort and Joie donated $100.00 of fireage to the RSPB - Save The Albatross campaign.
In September 2006, Tort and Joie donated previous Fireage gatherings toward the purchase of two commemorative bricks at the Georgia Sea Turtle Center. Unkie Hugh was kind enough to take pictures of the final product:
Countin’ Day
Every Friday is Countin’ Day. That is when the contents of The Pouch are tallied.
Fauxrage
Faux — or fake — fireage. Fauxrage is stuff that looks like money. You end up bending down all excited to pick up your newfound fireage, only to discover that it is a gum spot or a bottle cap liner or a metal slug or some embedded property boundary dot. Fauxrage is not cool.
Fireage
Cash money found in public places and donated to Tort and Joie’s charity fund.
Fire, Fire It, Fire It Up, Oh Fire
The Torts demanding that you (a) pick up Fireage, (b) put the Fireage in Flap, (c) transfer the Fireage from Flap to The Pouch, or (d) count the Fireage on Countin’ Day.
Flap
The original Flap was the little Parisian turtle change purse that Mommy carried on her purse. Flap held recently-found Fireage (and his friend, Shrap). Also, apparently, Flap was a party reptile. Woooooo! One day, Flap disappeared. He has been replaced by Flap Deux. Still looking for a Shrap Deux.
Jackie, Jackie Asserson
Refers to “jackass”…short for human being.
Kee!, KeeKee!, KeeKeeKee!, And a-kee!
The Torts laughing.
Peeps
People, usually pet or stuffed turtle owners. Mommy and Daddy are Tort and Joie’s peeps. The homeless-looking German guy at the Tenerife airport is the one-eyed kitten’s peep.
The Pouch
The little zippered “pocket on a string” that holds Fireage. There are two pockets: the big pocket holds the coins, the little pocket holds the notes.
The Torts
Tort and Joie.
Download Tort and Joie’s “Not Cool” public service announcement on balloons in the ocean (90 seconds, 2.21 MB, .mp4)